This one is really for me, so feel free to pass over the thoughts I need to get out. After all, I started journaling online to work through all the thoughts that rage inside sometimes. I’ve been so inspired by our “community” of sorts, who blog regularly. Sometimes it seems like a place to put down just the good thoughts, but life so often hurts too.We’ve had a couple of really hard weeks. They felt like they would stop my poor heart from beating for sure. We finally went to family counseling yesterday. We should have gone a long time ago. It is possible that my ‘superman’ son may be bi-polar. Yes, I knew he had some tendencies that resembled this, but I just didn’t want to admit it. Who wants to think you own son will have to fight a life- long battle that sometimes he will not win.
My husband was right again. He always is. If only I could just trust him in the beginning, life would go so much smoother. I just kept trying to fix everything. After all, it seems like it is my job to “finish” my son, as if he is a production of mine. Yes, I want him to be complete when he steps out into this world alone, but he is not mine to complete. I can only give him his beginning. I can honestly say; and he would agree, that I did all that was humanly possible to give him a good start.
My son, you have done well, you have held out strong among all the pressures of being a teenager. We couldn’t be prouder of you. You can do anything, you can make anything happen, more than anyone else I know. We are still here for you whenever you need us. I can’t save you and rescue you when you run yourself to the point of exhaustion. I can’t make you eat and rest so you will be ready for your next endless day of being all you can be. I can only watch what you will become and hope that you remember the strong foundation we laid for your life.
So I lay down my weapons, and will fight you no more. Please fogive me for trying so hard to help you, when I was really only hurting you further. I accept you as you are, a complete package, a whole person. You are whole because you truly are filled with love. Love makes us broken people whole. It is love that fills in the cracks of our broken hearts. So I offer you true, unconditional love for your whole life. I only wish you peace on your journey. I’ll always be here to listen, and love you always.
photo credits for both pictures of the beautiful NC seashore
goes to my brother, Craig Lipscomb
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