Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Struggles of Life

This one is really for me, so feel free to pass over the thoughts I need to get out. After all, I started journaling online to work through all the thoughts that rage inside sometimes. I’ve been so inspired by our “community” of sorts, who blog regularly. Sometimes it seems like a place to put down just the good thoughts, but life so often hurts too.

We’ve had a couple of really hard weeks. They felt like they would stop my poor heart from beating for sure. We finally went to family counseling yesterday. We should have gone a long time ago. It is possible that my ‘superman’ son may be bi-polar. Yes, I knew he had some tendencies that resembled this, but I just didn’t want to admit it. Who wants to think you own son will have to fight a life- long battle that sometimes he will not win.

My husband was right again. He always is. If only I could just trust him in the beginning, life would go so much smoother. I just kept trying to fix everything. After all, it seems like it is my job to “finish” my son, as if he is a production of mine. Yes, I want him to be complete when he steps out into this world alone, but he is not mine to complete. I can only give him his beginning. I can honestly say; and he would agree, that I did all that was humanly possible to give him a good start.

My son, you have done well, you have held out strong among all the pressures of being a teenager. We couldn’t be prouder of you. You can do anything, you can make anything happen, more than anyone else I know. We are still here for you whenever you need us. I can’t save you and rescue you when you run yourself to the point of exhaustion. I can’t make you eat and rest so you will be ready for your next endless day of being all you can be. I can only watch what you will become and hope that you remember the strong foundation we laid for your life.

So I lay down my weapons, and will fight you no more. Please fogive me for trying so hard to help you, when I was really only hurting you further. I accept you as you are, a complete package, a whole person. You are whole because you truly are filled with love. Love makes us broken people whole. It is love that fills in the cracks of our broken hearts. So I offer you true, unconditional love for your whole life. I only wish you peace on your journey. I’ll always be here to listen, and love you always.



photo credits for both pictures of the beautiful NC seashore
goes to my brother, Craig Lipscomb
~~~
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13 comments:

Sandy K. said...

Beautifully put...we're here for you.

ols1 said...

I feel your pain. My Daughter always says to me that I cant live her life for her. It is so hard being a Mum - you always feel that they are your baby and you need to protect them from the harshness of life. You are so right and should have faith in the fact that you have laid a strong foundation for him. He will always know this and have strength because of it.

J.H said...

I guess you and your teen son speaking of a different love language. I recall when I was teen myself, I don't talk as much and share as much my personal life with my mum. Not that I love her any less.
My mum thinks that I am acting rebellious and she becomes very autoritative which makes the situation worse.
So I guess if you already done what you can, just pray for your son, and let God take care of him.

Kamana said...

I have no words. Sending you a big warm hug...

kendalee said...

Thinking of you...

JFKlaver said...

I have a sister-in-law and nephew who are bi-polar. Please don't sell yourself short. You may never know all the good you do, so don't punish yourself for "perceived" wrongs. At least you now have the information you need to move forward. Bless you.

Teresa said...

I want to thank everyone for the loving thoughts and advice. It means so much.

Teresa

joyce said...

You're right, sometimes we focus on the lovely and peaceful in this blogs, for others to read, when we really need to let what's inside out. I'm glad you did. And I hope it has releived some of you angst. I do totally understand, my son was recently diagnosed with OCD, and it is hard to deal with that. Hard to deal with the guilt that I probably passed mental illness on to him. I do think that our children, even if its buried really deep down for now, know in their hearts that we are doing the best we can for what's best for them. And that is love.

Hugs to you()

Barefoot from Heaven said...

I can't find words to comfort you because tears are rolling down my face. My heart goes out to you and your family. I know the foundations you created is a strong and loved one. Your son will turn into a wonderful young man I'm sure of that. Be well, all of you. Hugs and prayers I send over.

Nenslens said...

Sorry to hear about your trying time.Child rearing is a tough slog sometimes. We had a few difficult years with our son as well.There were times I wondered just WHO ARE YOU? and What have you done with my son?? Although, he was not bi-polar, I seriously wondered. He is 30 now and well past the teenage angst (hormones on the rampage)stage. He has grown to be a fine human being and a wonderful father.I am sure your son will too.As you said -all you can do is give them the best tools possible and like the last picture of your post...Give them wings! And pray!!

Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate it!

beth said...

thanks for leaving me a comment and for also sharing this part of your life...

can you tell me more about how they diagnose bi-polar ?

with what we are going through here, we have loosely thrown that possibility out idea, too.

hugs to you...

aliceinparis said...

Oh my. I really was touched by this. We love our children and want to do the best we can for them and protect them from themselves sometimes. It is so HARD to stand back. I am trying with my daughter and it is difficult knowing that she is making poor choices and sometimes no choices at all:( She's a WONDERFUL girl but just been diagnosed with an attention disorder. No hyperactivity but late for everything, disorganized, gets carried away with reading a book instead of doing what she should...etc... etc...
I wish you all the best.

signals3_t5 said...

the way the street not imagine to go through it...


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